Dontcha Love Me?
by JFalcon
Summary: Mayhem ensues when it is discovered that Iruka has a secret admirer! But who could it be? Naruto will help him find out, and things’ll only get crazier when they do! [Finished]
1. Episode 1: Iruka

**Disclaimer: **I don't own ANYTHING, not a bloody thing, I own nothing, zip, nada, in short NOTHING! But to be more specific, I don't own Naruto, or any of it's fabulous characters.

**Don'cha love me?  
Episode I**

Naruto was slurping and sucking down ramen like there was no tomorrow, non stop baby! Ninja training is hard and a good bowl of ramen with master Iruka was just what Naruto needed to forget the stress of the day.

But looking up from his umpteenth bowl he noted that master Iruka hadn't eaten a single noodle!

Choking down the noodles in his mouth he waved his chopsticks at his master, "What's the matter Iruka Sensei, are you sick? You've got the flu! Diarrhea! Stomach cramps!"

"Hm? Oh no, nothing like that . . ." Iruka said, absently taking in some of his delicious shrimp ramen.

Naruto knew for a fact that it was delicious because he'd tasted some of it while his sensei hadn't been looking, so there!

"Something wrong Iruka sensei?" Naruto asked before diving into his bowl with such abandon that one of his chopsticks snapped!

"Oh nothing . . . it's just . . ." Iruka said, taking a small folded piece of paper out of his pocket and looking intensely at it.

"Whazzat?" Naruto managed through a mouth full of noodle.

"Hm? Oh, this? Nothing! Never mind!" Iruka said, shoving it back into his pocket, which is exactly where Naruto snatched it from. "Hey!"

Leaping just out of reach and laughing at Iruka's feeble attempts to get the paper away from him, Naruto quickly read over the text! He was so surprised by what he read that he nearly tripped and fell!

"Iruka sensei has a girlfriend!" He screamed loud enough for the entire village to hear him, then he _did_ fall out of shock!

"It's not like that at all!" Iruka said, snatching the paper. "She's a 'secret admirer', completely different."

Naruto scoffed and snatched the paper again to give it a better read. "Nope, sounds like a girl friend to me. 'How I long to feel the tight grip of your hand squeezing my--"

"Give me that! Give me that!" Iruka snatched the paper away, "It's none of your business!"

"So who did it come from?" Naruto asked.

Iruka shrugged, "Well at first I thought it had to have come from one of the students, as a practical joke or something, but the hand writing doesn't match up. I think maybe--hey, why am I even telling you this? It's none of your business!"

Nartuo stood on a stool and wiped some noodle from his face, "Let me help you find out who it is Sensei!"

"Wh-what? No way!" Iruka said with a forced laugh, "It's just a funny joke, that's all!"

"You gotta let me help you!" Naruto said.

"Why would I do that?" Iruka asked with raised eyebrows.

"Because if you don't, I'll do this," Naruto said, taking in a deep breath he shouted "**_Hey!_ Iruka Sensei Has A Secret Admirer And She Wants To Feel His Lips On Her--**"

"Imbecile!" Iruka cried, grabbing Naruto down from the stool and shoving his hand over his mouth, then looking around at the 'audience' that Naruto's display had gathered he laughed nervously and said "That's eh . . . that's just a little joke, you know Naruto, always with the jokes this one! Yep, just a funny joke!"

The crowd dispersed somewhat, whispering to one another, Iruka looked around desperately, then nodded in defeat, taking his hand away from Naruto's mouth he said, "All right Naruto. You can help me find out who it is, but you've got to keep it a secret!"

"Gotcha!" Naruto nodded, "Top secret sensei! Have we got any suspects?"

Iruka shrugged. "I haven't got a clue."

Naruto thought for a moment, and thought for another moment, and added another moment onto that. Then he said, "I know! I bet it's Kurenai!"

"Kurenai?" Iruka coughed. "Why Kurenai?"

"Well," Naruto said, pacing back and forth like any good detective would, "Kurenai is the elite Jounin training Hinata, and Hinata was your student same as me! Hinata probably told Kurenai about what a great teacher you are, and that made her fall in love with you!"

Iruka frowned, "That seems a little far fetched . . ." He said, scratching his cheek, "well . . . maybe . . ." he whispered to himself.

"She's _really_ hot." Naruto observed.

"Yes . . . but she really hasn't done anything that even suggests she might be interested in me . . ." Iruka said.

"Maybe she's was playing hard to get!" Naruto said.

"Hmm . . ." Iruka seemed lost in thought. "I suppose . . ." he said, "if we could get her signature on a piece of paper, we could compare it to the letter I got and--"

"See if it's the same! All right!" Naruto leapt into the air, "I'll bet ten bowls of Ramen and my left arm that it's her!"

Iruka shrugged again. "Kurenai . . . that wouldn't be so bad." He decided.

**To Be Continued**


	2. Episode 2: Kurenai

**Don'cha Love Me?  
Episode II**

"Wake up Naruto!" Master Iruka shouted, causing Naruto to fall right out of bed!

"Wake! I'm late! I'm busted! I'm late and I'm busted! What am I late for? What am I busted for?" Naruto cried.

Iruka shook him, "Calm down! I woke you up early, we've got to get Kurenai's signature, remember?"

Naruto rubbed sleep from his eyes and nodded. "Oh yeah . . ."

"Let's go!" Iruka said happily.

"Hold on a minute Sensei!" Naruto said, "How'd you get into my house?"

Iruka scoffed, "I'm a Chuunin, Naruto." He said, as if that was the only explanation necessary, and Naruto supposed it probably was.

"Well what about my training with Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked.

"I got you out of that for today." Iruka said with a shrug, "Kakashi understands. You need some time to rest after all the crazy things you've been going through."

Naruto blinked, "Last night you were so shy about this whole thing. Now you're so excited! What happened? Did you have a 'sweet' dream about Kurenai or something?" Naruto asked, jabbing Iruka in the side to make sure he'd caught on. "Better! I got another letter!" Iruka said, "I've got to know who this is!"

Naruto snatched the letter from his sensei, who shouted 'how did you know it was in that pocket?' and read through it.

He blinked a couple of times, a confused look to Iruka, "Does Kurenai-sensei like spiders?"

"What? I don't think so, why?" Iruka asked.

Naruto shrugged and quoted, "Your strong but gentle hands creeping up my thigh like a spider nearing my--"

"Quiet! Quiet! Give me that!" Iruka cried, snatching the paper back.

Naruto saluted, "All right! Let's get Kurenai's signature!"

"Wait, it's not that easy!" Iruka said, "We've got to be discreet."

"Right! Discreet! I'll be the most discreet shinobi in the village and . . . Iruka sensei, whazzat mean?" Naruto asked.

"It means we've got to be careful not to let her notice that we're trying to get her to write something for us, or she might figure out that we suspect her." Iruka said, "We've got to be super sneaky and get it from her when she least expects it in a way that she'll least expect."

Naruto nodded mischievously, "No problem Iruka-sensei, I'm all over it!"

* * *

"Excuse me, miss Kurenai ma'am." Naruto said, looking as pitiable as he could. 

"What is it?" Kurenai asked, sounding annoyed as her three Genin went about early morning drills. The sort that Naruto and his team would do if they didn't know master Kakashi would be about two hours late for them anyway.

"You shouldn't call someone by their first name unless you have their permission you know. Besides, cant you see we're in the middle of training? Did Kakashi send you over here with a message for me or something?"

"H-h-hello Naruto . . ." Hinata said, then dodged just in time to avoid getting hit in the head by one of Kiba's shuriken.

Naruto nodded to Hinata, who blushed and nearly got hit again, and held out a piece of paper for Kurenai to sign. "How would you like to be the first signature on a petition to save our forest?" Naruto asked.

Kurenai frowned at him, "Save it from what?" She asked.

Naruto blinked at her a few times, then decided, "Poachers."

"Uh . . . no. No I think not." Kurenai decided, giving him an odd "are you sane" kind of look.

But Nartuo did get Hinata's signature before returning to Iruka in defeat.

* * *

"Okay, okay, this next one'll work for sure!" Naruto assured his former teacher. 

"Are you sure?" Iruka asked unsure to say the least.

"Believe it! I'll get her to write _something_!" Naruto said with such confidence that Iruka grinned and nodded.

"Right! If anyone can do it you can, Naruto." Iruka said.

* * *

"All right," Kurenai said, "let's practice it again. Shino, make sure you don't run into Kiba, and Kiba try not to let Akamaru trip Hinata! Hinata, you need to keep your eyes open to warn them of anything that might make them mess up so stop blushing at Naruto and pay atten-Naruto?" She gasped, seeing Naruto standing against a tree near them. "Well what is it this time?" She demanded. 

"Nothin'." Naruto said, "Just chillin'."

Kurenai gave him a doubting look, but turned back to her team and ordered them to commence drills.

Naruto watched them carefully, then when the timing seemed right he shouted "Oh no! I forgot to tip the milk man! I better get home or he wont leave me any more milk!"

"Milk man?" Kurenai scoffed, but it was too late! Naruto ran out to Shino and shoved him into Kiba! Kiba grunted and confused Akamaru who ran out and tripped Hinata! Hinata, obeying Kurenai's advice kept her eyes off of Naruto throughout it all and failed to warn her team about the impending slip up.

"Oops! Sorry!" Naruto said, "I guess now you're going to write an angry letter to Kakashi Sensei, huh?"

"Why would I do that?" Kurenai asked as she inspected the battered and bruised state of her three Genin, "It was an accident wasn't it?" Kurenai said, in a voice that suggested she knew exactly what it'd been.

"Of course it was." Naruto sighed, disappointed. He nearly managed to get away before Kiba and Shino caught up to him and beat down on him for messing them up.

* * *

"Sorry Sensei, I thought for sure that one would work." Naruto admitted as he held a rather delicious looking steak over his black eye. 

"Don't beat yourself up over it." Iruka sighed as they sat together in the park where Kurenai had been training her Genin until Nartuo's annoying interference caused her to take them into some unknown part of the woods instead.

"Shino and Kiba did that!" Naruto scoffed, "But we'll get her next time, right sensei?" Naurto asked.

"Sure Naruto . . .we just need to think of a plan . . ." Iruka sighed again.

They sat in silence for several long moments until a bird landed on Naruto's head and he jumped up and waved his arms around to make it leave. Then, while checking the top of his head for any bird poop he had an idea!

"Maybe if you asked her for a progress report on Hinata and the others!" Naruto cried, "Then she'd have to write it all down for you, sensei!"

"Then we could compare the handwriting," Iruka nodded, "I cant send you to ask for them, she'd think you were spying for Kakashi. If _I _ask Kurenai for the progress report now she'll probably tell me it's none of my business how she's training them anyway."

"Here's those progress reports you wanted!" Hinata said, handing Iruka a trio of scrolls each stamped with Kurenai's symbol. "The ones you asked Miss. Kurenai for two weeks ago? H-hi Naruto . . ."

Naruto blinked through his black eye, and glared at Iruka.

Iruka took the reports, thanked Hinata and, sounding embarrassed said "Uh . . . I forgot about these . . ." He admitted. As soon as Hinata-chan was gone, he took out one of the letters and compared it to one of the progress reports and sighed, "It's not her, the handwriting isn't even close."

Naruto sighed, Iruka sighed, they sat in the part for a moment wondering what to do next.

"Well . . ." Naruto said, "Who else could it be?"

"I don't know . . ." Iruka said with a frown.

"Hey Naruto-kun." Shizune said as she walked by.

Naruto leapt into the air! "I bet it's Shizune!" Naruto cried, then shook Iruka by the shoulders, "She was totally coming on to you, sensei!"

Iruka raised his eyebrows at Naruto, "She didn't even _say_ anything to me!"

"'Cause she doesn't want you to know she's secretly your admirer! If she weren't she would have said 'hello' to you just to be polite!"

"Hmm . . ." Iruka thought about it for a moment.

"C'mon Sensei! It's a sure thing!"

"Well . . . I don't know . . ." Iruka said.

"I'll bet twenty bowls of ramen, and my right leg that it's Shizune-chan!" Naruto declared.

"Hey, didn't you already bet me your left arm it would be Kurenai?"

"Whazzat Sensei? Didn't hear you! Fufufu, let's go eat some ramen!" Naruto said, running off.

**To Be Continued . . .**


	3. Episode 3: Shizune

**Disclaimer:** My ownership status still has not changed. I still do not own Naruto, I never will. Amazingly I also do not own PEZ.

**Dont'cha Love Me?  
Episode III**

"Alright Iruka sensei, this'll work for sure!" Naruto said, shoving the cards into his sensei's hands.

"These lines are terrible!" Iruka cried, "Naruto, where did you come up with 'are those two bowling balls heavy?' That'll get me killed!"

"She'll be all over you!" Naruto said, amazed at his sensei's ignorance of women!

"With a knife." Iruka scoffed.

"She won't be able to resist your charm, believe it Sensei!" Naruto cried, and Iruka shrugged.

Iruka frowned, but probably realized he had no choice, Naruto grinned, knowing his sensei was going to succeed with this plan, plus if he didn't then at least it'd be him getting his tail kicked instead of Naruto!

* * *

Shizune was walking home carrying several bags of groceries while her lovable piggy companion strolled along after her eating anything that fell.

Iruka approached her and said "Hi there!"

"Yes hello." Shizune nodded, Naruto respected her ability to hide her obvious lust for master Iruka, by appearing more interested in her parcels than Iruka.

"Baby, you must have great balance, 'cause you've been on my mind all day long."

"Yeah . . . okay." Shizune said, and kept walking.

"Uh . . . I mean that outfit looks good on you, but it'd look better on my bedroom flo—"

"You really want to finish that?" She asked, glaring.

Iruka looked at the card, thought about it then said "Uh . . . no. Not really, no."

"Right then." Shizune nodded, and went about her business.

"Uh, hey can I help you with your—"

"Say something perverted and I'll impale you on a stick and eat your kidneys!" Shizune warned.

"I uh, just wanted to know if you wanted some help with those bags."

"Oh . . . oh! Okay, sure!" Shizune said, handing him a few bags. "You have no idea how many men have propositioned me lately!"

"Four?" Iruka guessed.

"Wha . . . uh yeah." Shizune blinked. "Yeah . . . how'd you know that?"

"Well you seem nice enough to get propositioned four times." Iruka shrugged, totally pulling that one out of thin air . . . man he was smooth!

"Huh. Well gee, thanks . . . I guess. Y'know you're not so bad for a perv—wha!" Shizune cried as a cat flew through the air and landed on her head.

It began to claw her scalp, then finally settled down on top of her head and hissed at Iruka.

"What the—" Iruka frowned, but he knew who was responsible. "Naruto . . ." he growled.

* * *

"Here we go!" Naruto laughed to himself as he hurled another cat at Shizune!

"Hey, what're you doin' with all those cats, boss?" Konohamaru asked, his pair of buddies with him.

"I'm huckin' cats at that babe over there so Iruka sensei can fight them off, save her and totally score!"

"Score what?" Konohamaru asked.

Naruto blinked, "Uh . . . well I can't tell you guys that, you're too young. But rest assured, Iruka Sensei will be so happy once he gets it, there'll be good grades everywhere!"

"Yay!" The three mini-ninja-hopefuls cheered and each grabbed a cat!

* * *

"Oh gawd!" Shizune whined, "They're everywhere!"

Actually, Iruka noticed they were only being directed at Shizune, who'd dropped her bags and was trying to remove a cat that'd latched onto her shoulder and simply would not let go.

Iruka noticed four cats hurtling in. Whatever Naruto had planned there was no way it would result in Shizune admitting whether or not she were Iruka's secret admirer!

He scowled and reached behind his back, then threw a pair of kunai at the cats!

"No don't kill them!" Naruto screamed from far off.

"Kill them all!" Shizune cried as one of the cats somehow managed to remove and then run away with her bra.

Iruka smirked however as his two kunai knives slammed into the wall of a building, and the four cats hung there as if levitating off the ground.

"Invisible net!" Iruka said, quite satisfied with himself.

But Naruto and whoever was helping him just hurled more cats!

Iruka threw net after net, the writer feels that now is a good time to note that no animals were harmed in the making of this fan fiction.

After about fifty—Iruka wondered where Naruto had gotten fifty cats—the barrage stopped.

He turned to Shizune and didn't see there being a whole lot of point to asking her if she were all right, but did it anyway. "Are you all right, Shizune-chan?"

"Uh . . . yea-no!" Shizune said, rubbing a bleeding cheek.

"Uh here, lemme get that." Iruka said, wiping the blood off of her cheek.

"Aww, you're so sweet, I've just got to repay you for saving me from those cats!" Shizune said.

"Well how about dinner tonight?" Naruto screamed from far off, Iruka wanted to disappear and never be seen again.

But Shizune blinked and said, "Really? Well okay . . . I was going to give you some money, but I guess dinner is okay. I'll just go get some rabies treatments, we can meet uh . . . at my place at eight."

"Oh, okay. Yeah!" Iruka said, raising a fist in triumph!

* * *

Naruto slapped his sensei on the back, "See?" He asked, "She's totally hot for ya!"

"I'm not so sure, I found another letter and at first I was wondering what a rooster had to do with anything, and then I thought it was Shizune thanking me for rescuing her, but turns out the word she kept using has a meaning other than "cat!" Iruka said.

And predictably Naruto had stolen a piece of paper from him, but luckily he said, "Hah! I knew you'd try to steal the letter so I buried it deep in the earth!"

"This looks like a love letter to me." Naruto said. "Milk chocolate, two dozen eggs—"

"That's a grocery list." Iruka said, eye twitching with annoyance. "Anyway I've got to get Shizune to confess, but I just don't know . . . maybe if you went up to her and asked her if she knew who it was, then gauged the surprise in her reaction?"

"No that's stupid! I got a better plan!" Naruto said, and Iruka groaned, for Naruto materialized a headset and a microphone. "Another plan?"

"Hey, the last one worked, didn't it?" Naruto protested.

"Okay, fine. What's this?"

"You date Shizune, and I'll listen in, when you need advice I'll give it to ya!" Naruto said.

"Oh . . . well that's not so bad." Iruka said, little did he know what _else_ Naruto had in mind.

* * *

"Ah . . . what a lovely dinner." Iruka said, Naruto was watching them from the ramen booth just across the street from their restaurant, he could see inside the window but couldn't hear Shizune. He could hear Iruka though, "Tell her she has a darn nice pair!" Naruto said into the microphone.

Iruka gulped and said "Y'know it's rare that I meet a woman with such a nice set." Naruto didn't hear what Shizune said, but he saw her grab his sensei by the collar of his jacket and prepare to pound his face in!

"Of eyes!" Naruto cried, and Iruka repeated and Shizune relaxed and looked embarrassed, "Nice save!" Naruto said. He glanced back at his accomplice, "Ready? We'll get her to confess to being master Iruka's secret admirer, then we'll be rollin' in ramen!"

"Right on." Naruto's accomplice said, giving thumbs up!

* * *

Iruka sighed, this was one boring date. Sure, the idea of getting into bed with Shizune was appealing—very appealing—but c'mon! He wasn't in love with his secret admirer for her body, he loved her spirit, the soul that she put into every letter, the sweet person that she was, illustrated through writing . . .

As long as she wasn't really fat. He could take a little fat, but he had to be able to carry this woman across the threshold so . . . c'mon be real.

He guessed Shizune might make an okay wife . . .

But was she his secret admirer?

Suddenly Kakashi came in and put a hand on Iruka's shoulder, "Hey, you know you're using a bit too much of Naruto's time, and—oh, hey Shizune!"

"Hmm? Oh yes, hello." Shizune said looking a little confused.

"You want to go somewhere _fun_?" Kakashi asked.

"What? Kakashi!" Iruka protested.

"Um, I'm having fun with Iruka." Shizune said.

"I've got alcohol." Kakashi said in a bored but tempting voice.

"Um, I'm _here_ with someone?" Shizune said, looking annoyed.

"I've got chips and aphrodisiac dip." Kakashi said with a puzzled expression as he looked down at a card that looked a lot like one of Naruto's.

"So go enjoy it alone you perv!" Shizune said, clenching a fist.

"Uh . . . I've got PEZ." Kakashi said, throwing his date cards away and reaching into his pocket.

Shizune leapt out of her chair and screamed, "Take me!"

And they left. Iruka sat there alone for a moment, then sighed and raised his hand, "Check please."

"Hold up!" Naruto said, tossing himself into the chair, "Ramen, miso flavored!"

"Oh . . . hi Naruto." Iruka said.

"Well, thanks to Kakashi-sensei we've just proven that Shizune is not your secret admirer."

Iruka sighed, "Yeah, guess so . . . _she'd_ never have just walked off with Kakashi . . ."

"Yeah, I asked him to do that." Naruto said, very satisfied with himself, "Told him I'd share my ramen with him."

"And he agreed?" Iruka raised an eyebrow.

"He was bored." Naruto shrugged.

"Well you're not getting any ramen, you bet me it was Shizune, and it clearly isn't."

"Oh right . . . well . . . we'll go double or nothing, forty bowls says the next babe I pick out is your secret admirer!"

"Whatever." Iruka sighed, he'd kind of liked Shizune.

Just then the fifth Hokage, Tsunade walked by, she raised an eyebrow at Naruto and Iruka, "How cute, you're like two brothers!" She said, then walked on, "Has anyone seen Shizune? I heard she was going to be here!"

Iruka sighed, and Naruto leapt up into the air, "I got it! It's Tsunade!"

"You will call her Lady Hokage!" Iruka snapped, bopping Naruto on the head!

"Ouch! Okay, fine, but it is so totally her!"

"She's like . . . fifty!" Iruka said, frowning but finding himself checking Tsunade out anyway. Man did she have a nice set . . . and he _didn't_ mean her eyes.

"Look Iruka-sensei, age is just a number, when you start to grow wrinkles it's a different matter! And Tsunade—er Lady Hokage is _ageless_!"

"Yeah . . . hmm . . ." Iruka thought. "It'd be kind of like sleeping with the boss, wouldn't it?"

"Bosses need lovin' too. And who said anything about sleeping?" Naruto raised an eyebrow.

"Yes well it's hard to think about anything else when I look at her." Iruka admitted.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. She's so boring, she makes me want to fall asleep too."

"No that's not what I . . . oh never mind."

"I'll bet you double or nothing she's the one sensei!"

Iruka groaned, and Naruto began drawing his plan out on a napkin, "You'll do this and I'll do this, we'll get Kakashi-sensei and Shizune to take you two out on a double date and I'll get another bag of cats—"

"Throw cats at the Hokage and you'll run the risk of being viciously killed." Iruka said.

"Okay, I'll find something better than cats . . . but believe me sensei, we'll get this done!"

"Yeah! We're with you boss!" Konohamaru and his cronies said together.

"Isn't it past your bed time?" Iruka blinked.

"You didn't see anything!" Konohamaru cried, then disguised himself as a rather unconvincing table while his buddies became what Iruka guessed were meant to look like chairs. The triangular table and deformed chairs slipped off into the night.

Iruka massaged his forehead, "Maybe I'll just wait for this secret admirer to reveal _herself_."

"No-no-no-no-no, we find her out!" Naruto said, slamming his fist into the table, "Chicks dig a man who takes the initiative, and take command! She _wants _you to find her out!"

Naruto seemed too eager, Iruka just shrugged. "Okay, fine. We'll give this a try . . ."

**To Be Continued . . .**


	4. Episode 4: Tsunade

**Don'cha** **Love Me?  
Episode IV**

Iruka woke up slowly as Naruto leapt up and down on his bed, "Wake up Iruka-sensei!"

Iruka sighed, "All right. What do you want?"

Naruto said, "it's time to get ready for your date with Tsunade!"

"She is the fifth Hokage! The fifth Hokage!" Iruka said, then he sighed. "And I dunno, I'm getting kind of tired of this, this is like what, the third day we've been at this? I just want to give up . . . I don't know if I dare risk angering the_ Hokage_."

"Yeah, well whatever she is you're gonna plow her like a corn field once we're done!" Naruto said.

Iruka raised an eyebrow at him, "What the heck? Where'd you learn to talk like that?"

Naruto grinned, and waved a piece of paper, "You've got mail sensei!"

Iruka scoffed, and turned away, then like lightning turned back and snatched the letter from Naruto and gave it a quick read.

"Wow . . . she's pretty descriptive." Iruka said. "All right then! Let's get to work!"

"But I thought you wanted to give up!" Naruto said.

"If a woman sent you a letter like this, would you give up?" Iruka scoffed.

"That's the sensei I know—kinda—now lets get crackin'!" Naruto said zealously.

* * *

"Double dating is one of leaf village's oldest and most beloved traditions!" Nartuo said.

"Yeah right." Iruka scoffed.

"Yeah, I _am_ right! Believe it, everything is going to go smoothly, I'll bet Tsunade-Hokage will be despairing your embrace, just like she said in her letter!" Naruto said.

"You mean the line where she says "desperately embracing me?" Iruka raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, despairingly embracing you, just like I said, sensei! Now here's the deal! Shizune was nice enough to tell the Hokage that she's on a double blind date, so you and Kakashi-sensei are going meet them at the same fancy restaurant where Kakashi-sensei stole Shizune from ya!"

Iruka grunted, that one sort of stung, he'd rather liked Shizune, but it _was_ for the best, his admirer was the only woman for him . . . as long as she wasn't ugly. I mean he could handle a little ugly y'know? But a complete mirror breaker, well that's where he drew the line. He had to be able to have kids with this woman, and as it was he wasn't _that_ good looking, they needed a hot mother to have any chance of avoiding being ugly little nobodies in life!

Be real.

"Okay, Konohamaru, you ready?" Naruto asked.

A bright yellow mail box, a stone portion of a brick wall and a blue fire hydrant came to life revealing Konohamaru and his cronies, Iruka couldn't help but note, "Y'know if you don't improve you're all getting failing grades in stealth and disguise."

"Aww . . . but the boss said that you'd be so happy once you got 'it' from your secret admirer, that you'd pass us all!"

"Got 'it?" Iruka demanded, glaring at Naruto.

"Hey, I never told them what 'it' was, sensei! I've got brains!"

"What's 'it' boss?" Konohamaru asked.

"Well y'see when a man and a woman love each other very much—" Naruto began, Iruka covered his mouth.

"Shaddap!" He cried.

"Morrfee!" Naruto said, muffled.

Iruka released him and said firmly, "No cats."

"Right, right, but here's some cards, they're great!" Naruto said.

Iruka read through some of them, then handed them back, "I've ah . . . memorized them all." He lied, "I wont need the cards."

Naruto frowned, but Iruka wasn't going to use the cards even if the boy cried (play 'wind storm' indeed!). He then turned and headed off towards the restaurant.

* * *

Naruto sighed, his sensei needed every bit of luck he could get, Naruto hoped he did well but doubted it'd be so. Iruka was helpless really, Naruto understood that now.

However with forty bowls of ramen on the line, Naruto wouldn't allow himself to be wrong, not again! He would do everything in his power to _make_ the Hokage his sensei's secret admirer, whether she already was, or not!

"Ready?" Naruto asked.

"Ready!" Konohamaru said, he and his two friends were dressed up in little togas with wings, and carrying little bows and arrows with hearts for arrow heads.

What woman could resist that?

Naruto himself was far too dignified to dress in such a fashion so he just wore his normal outfit. "Ready?"

"Ready!" Konohamaru's friends said together.

"Get to it!" Naruto cried, and the three rushed off.

* * *

It was rather pleasant, Iruka thought. Because she was too vain to allow anyone to see how old she truly was, Tsunade didn't _look_ bad at all, she looked mid twenties, early thirties tops.

But coupled with that incredible body was an old woman's experience, and knowledge, which was why she was Hokage . . . a woman with brains and looks, nice!

However this wasn't a very romantic date, Tsunade seemed more interesting in making sure Kakashi behaved himself, Kakashi seemed more interested in trying to get Tsunade to admit she was Iruka's admirer so he could leave, and Shizune just sort of clung to Kakashi and purred. Every now and then holding out her hand for more PEZ.

Iruka wondered what'd happen if Kakashi ran out of PEZ. He wondered what'd happen if he got some PEZ of his own? Who'd be laughing then, Kakashi?

Iruka was about to resign himself to boredom when it was lifted in the most unfortunate way.

Dressed in a toga Konohamaru entered the restaurant, he waved his bow and arrows in the air while his friends tried valiantly to play the harp . . . and failed.

"_Tra-la-la, ter-ran ter-ran ter-ah_!" Konohamaru said in what Iruka guessed was a singsong voice, "_Iruka_ _sensei, what a guy_ . . ."

"Aren't those your students Iruka?" Lady Hokage blinked.

"Why are they wearing bed sheets?" Kakashi asked.

Shizune just held out her hand for more PEZ.

Gulping and knowing this was somehow Naruto's fault, the ninja addressed the students,"Why are you wearing that?" he yelped.

"_He's such a guy, it makes me cry_," Konohamaru continued as if he hadn't been interrupted.

"You're making them cry . . . stop it." Kakashi sighed.

"What? Making them cry? What's going on?" Tsunade demanded.

"_Iruka_ _sensei, we'll get a good grade, once you've got yourself good'n lai—_" Konohamaru sang, but Iruka quickly shoved a hand over his mouth!

"Th-that's enough!" Iruka gulped, "P-please don't mind him!" He said to the others.

"What ever." Kakashi sighed.

Shizune just wanted PEZ.

But Tsunade was not pleased. "Excuse me? I see what this is! You're beating these children!"

"Yeh-no!" Iruka yelped, "What gives you that idea?"

"I am a top ninja, my powers are limitless, just listening to the song I can easily deduce its hidden message and plea for help! That's why these little ones turned up in bed sheets, their cloths are too covered in blood, you're a vile child beating monster!"

"Wh-what?" Iruka groaned, "That's insane!"

"Child," Tsunade said to the bubbly little girl still trying to play the harp, "Does master Iruka beat you?"

"Yep!" The girl nodded.

"What?" Iruka croaked.

Konohamaru came to the rescue however and shook his head. He turned to the girl and said, "Is the sky black?"

"Yep!"

"Is the grass blue?"

"Yep!"

"Are you good with the harp?"

"Yep!"

"As you can see, that's just about all she says." Konohamaru said.

"Yep!"

"Thank you Konohamaru. You see lady Hokage? I am no child abuser." Iruka said calmly.

"This proves only that they're afraid to reveal you!" Tsunade cried, she cracked her knuckles.

"Uh-oh! Better let me pull you outta here." Kakashi said, grabbing Iruka.

"Oh forget it, just leave me here to die." Iruka sighed, "If I escape Naruto will just want to bet me eighty bowls that the next girl he picks is my secret admirer, I'm better off dead."

"Secret admirer?" Tsunade cried, her fist millimeters from his face. "How adorable! Oh to be young again—er I mean . . . uh . . . to be . . . uh . . . young_er_ again."

"Am I still gonna die?" Iruka asked.

"Someday, yes." Tsunade shrugged. "But I must say, going on blind dates when your secret admirer is out there no doubt wondering why you haven't found out who she is yet? Get out of here you crazy boy, find that woman and settle down, raise your own kids and beat them."

"I _don't _beat children." Iruka noted.

"Yes, well even better." The Hokage said sagely.

Iruka looked at Kakashi, who shrugged. Shizune demanded another PEZ, so Kakashi gave her the entire dispenser and the pair left.

"That wasn't so bad." Kakashi said.

"Yeah . . . right." Iruka grunted.

Just then Naruto came running up covered in slugs the size of small dogs, "What's going on? Am I too late?"

"What? Uh . . ." Iruka decided not to ask.

At that same moment Ino came skipping up, "Hey master Iruka! I hear you're dating the Hokage! And here I thought things like _age_ deterred you, y'know like normal people!" She giggled to herself as she skipped away.

"Sensei!" Naruto cried but Iruka held up a hand. "I bet you double or nothing it's Ino! Notice how she emphasized age? She wants you! A forbidden love!"

"It is _not_ Ino." Iruka said firmly. "If it were Ino I'd have recognized her handwriting in the letters, and even if it is I _refuse _to date a kid! I mean look at me Naruto, do I look like that kind of guy? Forget it!"

"Aww nuts." Naruto sighed. "Well we should try to find out, y'know? So if it is you can let her off easy, and if it isn't then no harm no foul!"

"Forget it!" Iruka groaned, "I'll just let her come to me!"

Kakashi cleared his throat and said, "I think I might have a suspect . . ." He said softly.

"I bet double or nothing on Kakashi-sensei's suspect!" Naruto cried.

Iruka groaned. His secret admirer better be incredible, because he was beginning to think that no normal woman would be worth this trouble.

**To Be Continued . . .**


	5. Episode 5: Anko

**Don'cha Love Me?**

**Episode V**

Iruka fidgeted as Kakashi tightened the sash to his kimono, "So you're sure about this one?"

"It's a sure thing, I had Shizune talk to her about men. Shizune says she rolled her eyes and scoffed when they started talking about you."

Iruka frowned, "Kakashi . . . that's _not_ a good sign!"

"It is if she's playing hard to get, or pretending she's not interested in you!" Naruto pointed out.

"Yeah, right on boss!" Konohamaru said.

Iruka shook his head, he was surprised by how many people were in his corner on this. Granted they were in it either for large wagers of ramen, good grades, or purely to relieve boredom, still it felt almost like he had an army of well wishers hoping that _this_ date went right.

He took a deep breath and suppressed a smile, not wanting to get his hopes up, "So who is she?"

"Well I'd better not say until we get you to the point of no return." Kakashi said.

"She's fat, isn't she?" Konohamaru accused.

"What? Oh no she's . . . hmm, well I've never really looked at her, I guess she's got kind of a round face and—" Kakashi said slowly.

"I knew it!" Iruka groaned.

"What? No, no, she's not fat, right Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto cried.

"Hmm? Oh yeah. She's not fat. She's pretty good looking." Kakashi said.

"Well . . . I guess nothing else can go wrong in my love life. So lets see how it works out!" Iruka said, beginning to take courage, at least she was good looking. "Oh, and this time Naruto, Konohamaru, no assistance please."

"What? Why?" Naruto demanded.

"Because I'd like to be alive at the end of the night, your stunt with Tsunade almost got me killed. That's all."

"You should have tried harder with Tsunade, I bet she's a wild cat in bed! I tell you I have been trying to hit that for years!" Jiraiya said.

"What? Hey, who invited you?" Iruka demanded.

"Well Naruto mentioned something bout five hundred bowls of ramen . . . uh, I mean I thought I'd lend my expertise with women. Try to stare at her chest, they like that." The perverted Sennin said.

"I'll uh . . . try to remember that." Iruka said. "Do I really need to be dressed so formal?"

"Yes." Kakashi said, "Now remember, be positive, tell yourself that this is the one."

"This _is_ the one, I'm sure of it!" Iruka said, "That's why I don't want you—any of you—to do anything to screw it up!"

"Gotcha!" Naruto saluted.

"Roger!" Konohamaru said.

"Understood." Kakashi nodded.

"Aww, please? Just a little?" Jiraiya whined.

* * *

Iruka arrived at the fancy restaurant—different from the one he'd used before, he refused to show his face there ever again—and was quickly met by the attendant.

"Right this way sir," The cycloptic silver haired waiter said.

"Who do you think you're fooling Kakashi?" Iruka whispered.

"I don't know what you're talking about. And Naruto made me do it." The 'waiter' said as he led Iruka to his table.

Excitement rushed through Iruka as he saw the back of his date. She was beautiful from the back, she wasn't fat at all.

Now the face . . . Iruka's heart stopped.

No, she wasn't ugly or anything, she was actually kind of cute, but the problem was she was Mitarashi Anko.

"Kakashi . . . do I look like a man who wants to die?"

"My name is not Kakashi sir, though it does sound like a very cool name. Please take your seat." Kakashi-waiter said, shoving Iruka down.

"Oh screw that!" Iruka said a bit too loudly.

"Is there a problem?" Anko asked. Oh no, now he was going to die!

"Not at all ma'am, this is your gentleman caller for the evening."

"Uh . . . okay." She said, raising an eyebrow as Kakashi left. She looked at Iruka, "Did you know he had a part time job here?"

"I'm shocked." Iruka said without emotion.

"Uh-huh . . . so . . . you wanted to go out with me . . . why?" Anko asked.

"What? Uh I . . . uh well I . . . hmm . . . I think you're very . . . uh . . ."

"Easy?" She demanded, grabbing the butter knife besides her plate.

"Pretty much—uh I mean pretty! You're very pretty!" Iruka cried, and Anko watched him through narrowed eyes. "So uh . . . tell me, what are you thinking? What looks good here, I feel like a bowl of Ramen all of a sudden!" He said, hoping Naruto would show up at that.

The little punk did not.

Oh just great! When Iruka needed saving there was no one there to do it!

When he didn't they all just crawled out of the wood work!

"I'm thinking the calamari . . . but the ramen _does_ look good." Anko admitted.

"Yes it does. But calamari is tempting too . . . say, have you read that new book by **Jiraiya**, I think it's called "My Heart for Calamari" or something." Iruka said, almost shouting the perverted sennin's name, Anko stared at him cautiously.

"Uh . . . no, I didn't know he was a writer . . . but he creeps me out." Anko said, her hand moving perhaps unconsciously back to the butter knife.

Okay, someone was ruining this date and for once it was Iruka himself! He decided he'd have to make the best of a dangerous situation and just try to enjoy the evening. "So . . . you're a Special Jounin . . . I bet that's really challenging."

"Oh yeah!" Anko groaned, her hand moving away from the butter knife, "You cant imagine! It's torture! Especially now with the fifth sending us every which way trying to act like the village didn't lose any power after that little war! Man!" Anko leaned back in her chair and shook her head. "But this whole ninja gig is just a temp job, y'know, to pay the bills."

"Oh? You have another career in mind?"

"Oh yeah!" Anko nodded, leaning closer she whispered across the table, "I'm just doin' this for the time being, but y'know what I really like?"

"What?" Iruka asked, knowing it'd have something to do with blood.

Anko looked around then whispered, "Well when I was a kid, before I became a Shinobi I liked to go to the park and watch the ducks. All these sweet old couples would come and throw bread crumbs at them, it was so adorable." She sighed wistfully.

Iruka blinked, that was almost normal! And it had nothing to do with blood! "So you want to—"

She leapt up and punched the air, "Kickin' those freaking ducks' butts and stealing those delicious little bread crumbs for myself! _That's_ gonna be my _real_ job!" She shouted.

Iruka stared at her as she returned to her seat, ignoring the stares from the other couples trying to enjoy their dinners. "Y-you're kidding, right?" He asked as a real waiter showed up and asked if they were ready to order.

Anko gave and 'I'm not telling' smile and went back to looking at the menu. "How about . . . the calamari, the steamed rice, the fried rice, a sushi platter, 'dozen sweet buns, a pound cake, bowl 'o ramen—of course—five squid okonomiyaki—oh! And a light salad . . . no dressing."

Iruka gawked. "Uh . . . yeah how's your soup?"

"Our soup is as tasty as the water and dehydrated vegetables we put in it, and very cheap sir." The waiter said.

"Y-yeah, I'll go with that." Iruka said.

"And to drink?" The waiter asked.

"Hmm . . ." Anko tapped her chin lightly, "I'd like water, but send out some tea later."

"Very well, and for the gentleman?"

"Uh, yeah water." Iruka nodded. He wanted to ask for something alcoholic and give in to oblivion, but if he wanted to live he'd need to keep his wits about him.

"So . . . aside from my being pretty . . . any particular reason you asked me out?" Anko asked.

"Well . . ." Iruka trailed off . . . maybe if he could think of a really good lie he could get off without any scars. "I admire you."

"Yeah, about the longest conversation we've ever had was you trying to convince me to pull Kakashi's team from the selection exams."

"Yes . . . and you've been on my mind ever since. I couldn't stop thinking about you. Your beautiful eyes, your supple curves, your raven hair . . ." He trailed off romantically.

"Oh really?" Anko raised an eyebrow at him and seemed about to say more when the food arrived, then she was too distracted.

Iruka smiled, he knew how to end this date.

**To Be Continued . . .**


	6. Episode 6: Kakashi

**Don'cha Love Me?  
****Episode VI**

"Iruka," Anko said, tilting her head to the side in a gesture that might have been cute had it been done by anyone other than her.

Sure Anko was hot, the woman was _stacked_! Not quite as much as the fifth, but still more than Iruka had ever hoped for. Take into consideration the fact that she was not thirty years older than him, and did not believe he beat children and she was really the overall winner.

However . . .

Iruka had this odd fear, a vision of sorts of their future. Oh sure they'd beat the snot out of ducks every now and then, but as a married couple suppose they did what all married couples did?

What if they, like every other wife and husband . . . had an argument? (What were you thinking?)

The image of Iruka standing with his arms limp and one of his legs bent at an odd angle as he explained to the neighbors and the police that he'd fallen down the stairs and landed on several Kunai knives as Anko licked his blood away with zest was not a pleasant one . . .

Iruka didn't have a problem with a woman who could kick his butt. Heck, he'd yet to date even one who couldn't . . . which was kind of depressing. He just didn't want a woman who would kick his butt for no reason.

After a while he realized that being lost in thought while she was trying to get his attention was pretty stupid, he wondered how long he'd been entertaining these thoughts while she, at a growing level of annoyance, tried to get him to pay attention.

He was still alive, so it couldn't have been long.

"Iruka!" She said, snapping her fingers in front of his eyes.

Iruka shook his head, "Anko-chan, I . . . I cannot. I cant stay here with you, as pleasant as it might be . . . Anko my dear . . . I have another lover."

Anko raised an eyebrow, "What? I thought _you _wanted to date _me_!" She said.

"Yes . . . to see if I could . . ." Iruka trailed off, "Oh Anko, you were my last hope!"

"Hope for what?" Anko asked.

"To make sure that I wasn't . . . in love with--" Iruka coughed violently.

Anko's eyes narrowed. "Oh really?" She asked. "Kakashi?"

Iruka shuddered, but whatever it took to get out of here alive . . . "Yeah . . . y'know . . . that guy. Kakashi, my . . ." Iruka couldn't get himself to say "love" so he just said, "Uh . . . dear friend."

Anko's eyes were slits, she was twirling her fork around with two fingers in a rather intimidating way. "I see . . . Kakashi eh? All right. Kakashi-kun, come here now!" Anko said. Kakashi didn't move, so Anko shouted, "Waiter!"

Probably sensing that Anko was annoyed, Kakashi came . . . but slowly. He bowed.

"Kiss this man." Anko said, pointing to Iruka.

Iruka blinked, "Uh . . . why?"

"You're kissing one of us." Anko said calmly. "Pick."

Kakashi shook his head, "Uh, hey no. I've got a girlfriend so . . . I mean sure she only likes me for my PEZ but still . . ." Kakashi said.

Anko stood up, "Kiss me, or kiss Kakashi!" She said, a mad, almost lecherous glee in her eyes, as if whoever Iruka chose, she won.

Iruka sighed and took a look at Kakashi . . . this should be easy, Kakashi looked so girly he could just pretend and . . .

Yeah, not happening.

But then Anko, despite her beauty . . . was way too blood thirsty for him.

"Okay . . ." He said quietly.

The look on Kakashi's face . . . well, eye, said plainly that if Iruka kissed him, he'd die. The annoyed expression Anko wore said plainly that if Iruka didn't kiss Kakashi after that load of crap he'd told her . . . he'd die.

So Iruka grabbed . . . Kakashi . . . and then shoved him into Anko!

Then he ran.

He ran as fast as one would run if one were being pursued by two very angry Jounin.

He ran.

And crashed into Naruto!

"Iruka-sensei, what are you doing?" Naruto demanded, "You're supposed to be breaking Anko's dam!"

Iruka didn't even want to know where Naruto had heard about breaking dams. He assumed his admirer had sent him yet another letter.

"It's uh . . . it's not Anko . . . just run!" Iruka cried.

Naruto complied and waved a letter at Iruka, confirming his suspicions, "But sensei, the number of single women in the village is running low! It's gotta be Anko! Also, why are we running?" Naruto asked.

"Oh boy, my aching side! I'm not as young as you kids you know," Jiraiya said.

"Oh . . . well you can stay here and die, that's fine." Iruka said. "When did you join us anyway?"

"I've been following you since you ran into Naruto." Jiraiya said. "Where are we going?"

"I aint stopping 'till I get to Suna." Iruka decided.

"That's kinda far . . ." Naruto said.

"Yeah . . . she'll give up after that I think." Iruka said.

"Not likely." Kakashi said.

"Oh no, I'm sure . . ." Iruka blinked. "Oh crap." He stopped. "Okay, how far back is she?"

"She's not coming." Kakashi said. "She's uh . . . crying. Yeah . . . you hurt her feelings so . . . yeah."

"Even better! Let's make tracks boys!"

"Hold it! If a woman is crying because of you, it just isn't right to leave her!" Naruto said.

"You know nothing, I want to live! LLLIVVVE!" Iruka shouted, making a dash for it, but Kakashi caught him.

"You've got to go back!" Kakashi said. "What kind of man are you?"

"The kind that likes being alive!" Iruka cried, "Let me go! I'm sorry I used you as an escape implement, I just knew you could take her! Let me go!"

Naruto shook his head and looked at Iruka in disgust, "Fah! To think, leaving a sad woman alone and running away."

"She's the one from the second exam!"

Naruto twitched, "G'bye!" He cried, and he ran off towards the sand village.

Kakashi sighed, "Oh great. Someone's going to have to go after him."

"Yeah . . . I'll take care . . . of it." Jiraiya said, panting. He summoned a giant frog and they set off after the boy.

Kakashi shook his head, "All right Iruka. We're going to see Anko."

"I thought we were friends." Iruka scoffed.

"I don't know what gave you that idea, but no. No we're not. And I'm going to enjoy seeing her burn you alive." Kakashi said, and dragged Iruka back.

* * *

Kakashi shoved Iruka forward. "There she is . . . heart broken."

Yep, there was Anko, wailing pitifully on a bench in the park. Iruka scoffed.

"Just go tell her you're looking for your secret admirer and you cant settle for anyone else." Kakashi shrugged.

Iruka shook his head, "Screw that, I want to live."

Kakashi scoffed. "That's it, I'm out of here. You're a waste of time."

Iruka scoffed and thought about running off. But then he thought about it . . .

It wasn't really Anko's fault she was an insane freak . . . well maybe it was . . . he didn't know.

But she had been the student of the evil Orochimaru, so one could only expect a bit of blood lust from the woman. Maybe they'd work through it . . .

That, and she didn't seem al that deadly just sitting there crying.

So, ignoring the sensations in his brain that insisted it was suicide, he walked over to Anko. "What are you doing out here?" He asked. "The restaurant is back there."

Anko avoided looking at him, "Oh! I was just . . . oh boo-hoo!"

"Okay, that's the most pathetic fake crying I've ever heard." Iruka said.

"Oh screw you!" Anko snapped, jumping up, fists drawn. Then she remembered what she was doing and collapsed again, "Uh, I mean . . . boo-hoo."

"Puh-lease." Iruka scoffed. "Hey, I'm sorry I uh . . . walked out on you. I just . . ."

Anko sobbed one last time, seemed to decide it wasn't worth the stares she was getting and collected herself. She folded her arms, blocking his view of her impressive chest, and said, "Just what?"

Iruka shrugged. "I just . . . I am deeply in love with another woman . . ."

"Secret admirer?" Anko grinned.

Iruka raised an eyebrow now, "How did you know?"

"Kakashi said something about that." Anko said.

"Then you understand!" Iruka said.

"Yeah, yeah. I get it." Anko shrugged.

"Then you forgive me?" Iruka asked. "I don't have to die?"

"No. You can live." Anko said. "In fact I'll do you one better. I'll join your little coalition and help you find out who she is."

Iruka blinked, this was better than he could ask for! Not only was she not going to kill him, she was going to help him!

"I-I don't know how to thank you!" Iruka said.

Anko shrugged. "No big deal. I mean I already know who she is."

"You what?" Iruka blinked.

"Yeah. I thought it was kind of funny, you asking me out when she's all head over heals for you. That's why I kept asking you what you saw in me." Anko grinned an evil grin, "Not to fear . . . your search is over."

Iruka grinned, "Finally! So . . . who is she?"

**To Be Continued . . .**


	7. Epilogue

**Don'cha Love Me?  
****Episode VII**

Naruto shook his head in surprise from the bushes from which he, Kakashi, Konohamaru and Jiraiya all watched the couple.

"So she's not his secret admirer?" He said. "And I was so sure! Now I've lost out on a lot of Ramen!"

"And now we wont get good grades!" Konohamaru pouted.

"Oh don't be so sure." Kakashi said, a grin in his eyes–er I mean eye.

Naruto saw Anko shrug. "No big deal. I mean I already know who she is." She said.

Naruto punched his fist into the air, "Excellent! I have to get over there and have her tell me so I can bet Iruka-sensei before she tells him!"

Naruto tried to leap out but Kakashi caught him. "Stay put!" Kakashi whispered.

"Gah! Konohamaru, go!" Naruto cried, "The ramen depends on it!"

"Aye boss!" Konohamaru made a dash for it, but Jiraiya stopped him.

"Will you cut it out? You're supposed to be asleep anyway, it's way past your bed time."

"Aww! Lemme up!" Naruto cried.

"No, I don't think I will." Kakashi said.

"But my ramen!" Naruto moaned.

* * *

Anko smirked, "Your secret admirer? Yeah, I know exactly who she is."

"So tell me!" Iruka cried.

"What's in it for me?" Anko asked.

"You just said you'd help." Iruka pointed out.

"Yeah, but now I'm thinking I want some money or something."

Iruka sighed, reached into his pocket and gave her some money. "How's that?"

"Gonna have to do better than a fiver." Anko said.

"Okay, how's this?" Iruka asked, handing her another.

"Y'know I _did_ have to cover the bill at the restaurant after you ran off." Anko said.

Iruka could have swore he heard Kakashi faintly say "No she didn't, she made _me_ cover the bill!"

Iruka just threw her the whole wallet, "Take it! Take it all! Now tell me who my secret admirer is!"

"I already did, didn't I?" Anko asked.

"No." Iruka said.

"Oh but I'm sure I did." Anko grinned. "Maybe you can refresh my memory."

"I gave you all my money." Iruka said.

"Oh fine." Anko shook her head. "Well first thing's first, the woman in question, what have you done to find her out so far?"

Iruka scowled, "You're supposed to tell me!"

"I am. But I want to know why you couldn't figure it out yourself." Anko shrugged.

"Okay, fine. First Naruto said it was Kurenai–"

"Why?" Anko blinked.

"Because he's a dope. And she's hot." Iruka said.

"Hey!" Naruto shouted.

At least Iruka thought he did, but actually Naruto should be making good time towards the sand village now so it couldn't be.

"We thought it'd be as easy as matching her hand writing with the letter, so Naruto went to great lengths to obtain Kurenai's signature."

"And was that the correct handwriting?" Anko smirked.

"Of course not. But you already know, since you know who she is. And you can tell me . . . any time now."

"Yeah sure." Anko's smirk didn't decrease at all. "But tell me what you did next."

"Well next we thought it'd be Shizune, so Naruto had me go out with her . . . after hucking cats at her."

"Yeah, she mentioned that. Said it scared the life out of her." Anko pointed out.

"Yeah well it wasn't my idea. Anyway turns out she wasn't interested, and she left with Kakashi."

"And why did Kakashi get involved?" Anko asked.

"Because Naruto asked him too, he said he was bored." Iruka shrugged.

"So a top Jounin, an elite ninja with three students under his belt just signed on with you because he was bored?" Anko laughed.

"Well he did get a girl friend out of it." Iruka pointed out, still a little annoyed that Kakashi had won Shizune away with PEZ.

"I see. So then what?"

"Well we suspected the Hokage."

Anko's eye twitched, "You're ambitious . . . and sick, she's like fifty!"

"She only looks thirty." Iruka defended himself halfheartedly. "Anyway Konohamaru got involved and I almost died. Then Kakashi suggested you, and Jiraiya got involved, didn't help much though."

"Ungrateful brat!" Iruka was certain he heard Jiraiya shout, but that was impossible.

Anko shook her head, "I'm almost afraid to ask who your next guess is."

"So don't." Iruka suggested. "Just tell me the truth."

Anko shrugged. "Okay. Truth is **I **am your secret admirer, Iruka-kun. I've wanted you for ages, but I never had the means to tell you."

"Means?" Iruka raised an eyebrow.

"I didn't have a strategy, a plan of any kind . . . aside from getting a really big stick, hitting you on the head and dragging you back home with me. That was a joke, don't look so frightened!" Anko cried, waving her hands rapidly.

"Oh good!" Iruka sighed, "I thought you seriously were my admirer!"

"No, that part's serious, the whole stick thing, that's the joke." Anko clarified.

Iruka sighed. Well sure Anko wasn't so bad, if he knew nothing about her he'd definitely have asked her out.

But she was scary, evil, and probably homicidal. Well no, remove the "probably" from that sentence, it was a fact.

"Okay. So why did you suddenly decide to make your move?" Iruka asked.

"Well I aint getting any younger, you think I want to end up like the Hokage? Some fifty year old woman with no man in her life who has to make herself look like she's still in her late twenties because she's _that_ vain?"

"Maybe we shouldn't say bad things about the most powerful ninja in the village?" Iruka suggested.

Just a little suggestion.

Anko shook her head, "My life's half over."

"You're twenty four, you're not old, you're two years younger than me!" Iruka cried.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. A ninja's life expectancy is extremely short if they're not the best, and I've got to kill Orochimaru even if it costs me that short little life, so my life expectancy is even shorter." Anko shrugged. "Besides, you're _really_ old, I mean twenty six? I was sort of expecting you to hook up with somebody else sooner or later, so I figured I'd better make my move quick!

"So after the Chuunin exams I found out the Jiraiya was in town, I sought him out and asked him to write some love poems for me. That's why you didn't recognize the handwriting."

"And that's why they were all about sex." Iruka sighed, a little disappointed.

"Well . . . yeah . . . but I approved each one before we left 'em for you to find."

"That's pretty clever." Iruka admitted.

"Isn't it though? But when it became evident that you didn't notice my name spelled in the first letter of each paragraph," Anko scoffed and Iruka groaned, was it really that easy? "I decided to call Kakashi in to help you out. That's why he agreed to help Naruto throw Shizune off you. Unfortunately he was too late to stop you from going out with the old hag–"

"Can we not talk about the fifth that way?" Iruka asked. "I honestly do value my life."

"She doesn't mind me calling her that . . . as long as she doesn't know that I do. Anyway I told him to throw my name in there, see how you reacted. You didn't . . . jerk. And then after tonight . . . well I'm just not so sure I really want to be with you anymore."

Iruka frowned, "Aww now that's too bad. Well . . . see you at work tomorrow!" He said, waved and left.

Anko punched him in the shoulder, "Hey! You're supposed to say 'no, stop, I cant live without you!' or something!"

"Oh. No . . . stop . . . I cant live without you." Iruka yawned.

"Well . . . okay then. But try to be more enthusiastic."

Iruka shrugged, and then smiled.

Anko wasn't half bad. Not even a quarter bad.

Well she was about ten percent pure evil, but maybe that'd make her more exciting.

* * *

Naruto scratched his head, "So wait a second!" He said," Anko _is _Iruka-sensei's secret admirer? And you two were in on it?"

"There's been a pool going on, all of us Jounin are betting on who Anko likes, almost everyone else thought it would either be myself, or Kurenai. Naturally after she came to me with this idea and I made a hefty bet in the pool. If he sleeps with her within the next six months I'll be rich." Kakashi said.

"I never knew you were driven by material wealth, sensei!" Naruto accused.

"Hmm? Oh I'm not. It's just kind of a nice bonus since Gai also bet that if he could guess correctly and I couldn't I'd have to wear an outfit just like his." Kakashi said.

Jiraiya chuckled, "Kakashi here is giving me some of his winnings."

"What about me?" Naruto said, "Don't I get anything?"

"Yeah. All that Ramen you wagered against Iruka that it'd be Anko." Jiraiya said. "And we're expecting some of it too."

"All right!" Konohamaru cried.

"I am a bit peckish." Kakashi said.

"All right! Ramen, Iruka-sensei's treat!" Naruto cried.

* * *

"So?" She asked.

Iruka blinked, "Eh?"

"Love is a two way street, are you satisfied or do you want to take a swing at the next girl that Naruto says might be 'the one'?" Anko asked.

Iruka shrugged, and smiled. "Well here's a question. How often will I bleed?" Iruka asked.

"How often would you like to?" Anko asked eagerly, then caught herself and said, "Uh, I'm not into that kind of thing. Yeah . . . only when I'm fighting . . . or really bored . . . or just . . . y'know, killing time. But never with you, I swear!"

Iruka shrugged, and said "We can try it out." He decided. He wanted to say something a bit more romantic, but in the end what else was there to say? He'd give Anko a try. After all, she'd been okay on their date, he'd been the real problem.

She leaned forward, and Iruka realized he was supposed to kiss her. He reached out and put an arm around her waist and pulled her in close, their lips were millimeters away and then . . .

Naruto leapt out of the bushes, accompanied by the rest of the coalition, "Yes! Iruka sensei you owe me big! You owe me so many bowls of ramen!"

Iruka couldn't argue with that, but he wanted to. Still he couldn't kiss Anko with all these people watching him so he let her go.

She looked annoyed, "You jerks, I was like this close to getting kissed, you ruined it!"

"Uh-oh!" Naruto gulped.

"You're all going to die!" Anko cried viciously, looked back to Iruka with a sweet smile and said, "Right back, just a second!" Then, with a kunai in each hand she charged after the three ninja, and the ninja hopeful watching them from the bushes.

Though half the men in the audience could have taken her down the lot of them still decided to run. Iruka smirked. Yeah, Anko wasn't too bad at all.

But he should probably stop her before she murdered Naruto, so he joined in the chase.

Old people sitting in the park near the duck pond in the middle of the night for some reason nod in satisfaction. "Now that she's got a man maybe she'll stop stealing our bread crumbs." One of them says, and the others nod their agreement.

**The End!**

_And that's the end. If you don't like it . . . well who needs you? I do not offer refunds so the past ten minutes of your life are now officially wasted. Thanks to those who reviewed, and to those who didn't but read anyway. C'ya!_


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